the other side

today, for the first time in my life, i was on the other side...

of drinking.

i have drunk maybe four to five times my entire life, but today was the first time, i went beyond my so called capacity.

i drank three and half pegs of rum..the last half apparently didnt agree with me at all. and soon i was puking..i was lady enough to reach(read that as trotter) the washroom, and into the western style commode, to put my face to the clean hygenic commode and wait for it to all come spluttering out.

as i squatted on the floor, with my face to the commode, i realized a few interesting things.

one, that the commode is clean.,

second,i dont even care if its clean, right now its my best friend

third, i realize why countless Hollywood movies show the guys throwing up in commodes, and not in the washbasins... its a well built walk of shame too..the walk to puke. words like not able to carry ur drink gives a new emotional meaning to what was hither to just words.

i also realize how dev D was able to keep putting his head into a commode without any shame.. wasn't i there i was doing the same thing!

i remember the canteen guy who comes drunk right from teh morning, and the disdain with which i treat him when he smells more than usual...i can suddenly see his side? whats her problem..im doing nothing at all to hurt her...which is what i felt, when i felt the waiters judging me trottering back to the table after my puke.

PS..for good measure, i also puked into an empty glass on the table...well, my companion didnt think it was cool at all!

.i simply care two hoots about propriety and its niceties..cause like i said im on the other side today...!

mind

today is again one of those days, when the mind is not able to console itself...it wants to be aggressive and play victim, and then become reasonable, and then spoilt, all within seconds of each other...the ever vacillating mind...that is how the mind is today.. they eyes are heavy with un shed tears, the mind is burdened with ungratefulness, the heart simply cannot let go, and is filled with vague unhappiness. which if tried to be confronted. laughs at the heart..and then when i think im free, the mind climbs on the same roller coaster again..

maybe watching some hindi film songs will help numbing it ..hopefully

roles

just when i thot that nothing cud upset me again, it just did...that single phone call.. why did it upet me? cause it was a reminder to rethink roles again.that the old roles were dead, and that if things had to go on, new roles had to be played.

i am not sure whether i want to play any role any longer...no, in fact im sure i want to play a new role, and its the teething problems i guess that is upsetting me

face to face with a truth

today again, came face to face with a truth, that keeps coming back with clarity, whenever the topic is brought in the open...though its forgotten yet again after some time.

that nobody can give what he never got, and if a person never felt loved his life, chances of him being able to make anybody else feel loved is zero too..who is more unfortunate, cant guess..the tht makes me cry for myself, and for dad too...taht he never got love makes me cry for him, and that he cudnt give it to us, makes me cry for me...and im painfully aware that neither of us are able to raise above our needs....

closed doors

had to admit to myself that it was me who closed the door, and not viceversa

filled with profound sadness, at a likeness, thinking of the inherent losses

other court

the ball is finally in the other court me thinks...and now whether the game continues, depends on the other player

lonely

feeling a bit lonely now..the feeling has just started. a minute ago...not yet a pained lonliness..rite now its comfortable...maybe a little more of this solitude the dis content mite start...enjoying it while it lasts...the joys of solitude that is

hurt ego

ego hurting badly,eyes welling up too, a nagging pain just below the heart where the ribs cage ends...feel alone, whereas the world is happy with in their worlds.....and that somehow selfishly hurts more...in fact that is what hurts i think...that the world is not alone, not lonely, world is reveling in its joys, and here im alone with none to share my pain with.cant push off the feeling of being neglected

no idea how long its going to last....have to grin and bear it...just like the flu! well, experiences show that there is always victory at the end of every pain...the longer the tunnel, the bigger the gain.....so that thot helps in holding on till the end of the tunnel...

what hurts, is having to admit to self, that almost all could be a pack of lies, and it hurts the ego, to have been taken in, by packs of lies! if the cards were placed on teh table, perhaps it wudnt have hurt, or perhaps the hurts wud be different...what hurts now is being treated as a second class citizen, being kept on hold, like an old shoe that will be worn only if the new one pinches...(not my dialogue...a dialogue from an old Bollywood number :P) ..being reduced to a thing, an non living object. object without feelings...not being treated as an individual, who mite want to be treated as intelligent an individual.

winds of change

surprising, how things change....there was times we spoke everyday, for long long hours...and now even if i see the green light, i think and then not ping, cause i feel u mite be busy and not want to talk....or worse, talk only because i want to talk...

well, that is life i suppose

losing

i hate to lose except to somebody who is better than me....

.so suppose my partner finds a new person, will i be okay if he or she is a better person? i remember nancy friday say( in her book jealousy) that its envy of the other woman, that makes u idolise her and give up the battle even without trying to win it?

but isnt it just an admission that the other person IS better than u?

screw u nancy friday!

loss

i look at the pictures, and feel a sense of loss..doesnt leave me...the feeling of a loss tht will always be a loss.

random conversations

i met a friend. after 28 years. and then a month later...

she has invited me to some lecture on organic farming..i am in a hurry actually, i have a bus to catch an hour later...but i wish to make it just so that i don't go back on my word...

we meet, i tell her that im coming from the beauty parlor, and have a bus to catch in an hour, when she tells me that the guy who was supposed to give the lecture has taken ill, and will not be coming...no issues, i tell her..i need to go too...i came just to catch up with u...maybe catch up with organic farming later.

we talk, discuss many things...her marriage, her job, my beauty parlor, her beauty parlor..of how we spend lots of time each week in the parlor,how its relaxing....in fact, she tells me, her husband always calls the beauty parlor as her mom's house...since she seems to be spending too much time there.

she suddenly asks me to join a yoga class...will do u wonders she tells me..ive already joined one long ago, i tell her...and after diligent practice for more than two months, i find that i lose interest.. don't want to try it again.

she insists, dont worry..this class is different..u will love it...and even if u lose interest, at least the two months that u put it wud give u some use...and she added as a parting shot....u wont have to spend that much in a beauty parlor...u can save on those costs, i assure u.

this is where she lost me...hipocracy always puts me off....ah, hell, then why do u frequent a beauty parlor after all that yoga..i want to ask.

i don't ask though.. don't want to spoil things after 28 years.

i just smile and walk away!

surprisingly, i stil l feel teh same today too..not sure whether i did the right thing..

did an intersting thing today....blocked a guy on gtalk...just for the reason that he did not respond to my pings more than twice.

and i have mixed feelings about this...on the one side i feel glad, that i gave him his just deserts, and on the other hand, a doubt, that maybe he wasnt avoiding me, and i was being hasty in my judgement.

well, i doubt it will even matter by tomorrow morning

raat gayi, baat gayi!

what on earth is wrong with me?

from morning, ive been looking up the chat window to see if any people are around, when they are around, whether they are intersting enough, and when they are intersting enuf, whether they wud rebuff me by saying they were busy..

and i end up chatting up nobody!

day one. news received..mind silent..very still...no reaction.. yet...slowly, by the hour, time ticking away, sinking feeling creeps..justifications, reproachful words, appeasements...dialogues keep swarming round and round the head..u want to talk and not just to the voices in the head. talk to to the perpectuator...an old belief...sharing stuff lightens teh load...and sharing it with the person who gives u the load..tht works faster and better.

talks...person doesnt seem to think panic button is warranted...nothing has changed, nothing will..... a brave declaration indeed.. experience says the declaration wont stand test of time.. butego/ mind is grateful for the patient hearing.. mind is smewat quelled.

day two: morning is fine...later mind is shaky again...missing missing feeling...but no panic thank god.. talk about it again to somebody else.. a frank question...didnt u expect it? then why the sorrow?

true...why the sorrow? mind is more at peace.

suddenly a new thought...was the brave declaration just a face saving exit line? just a way to redeem oneself in one' own eyes?

day three:this one is gone but u can prevent it happening again....tag line of a tooth paste... all already in the room are welcome, but doors closed from now here on.

day four: no hardly remember the inccident at all

day five..wht was it all about "wonders*..must admit finds some satisfacation in checking if the lights are red or green

so this is an old story really..

just that it picked up again last nite....

two years ago, there was this guy a 22 year old i met on the net...i had not seen his pictures, not his videos. i had read his words, and thus his thoughts, his mind...as much as he let me, that is. and then i fell in love with him, just like that..ok, im being dramatic i think... i didnt fall in love with him, but yes i was infactuated. the maturity of thoughts that ran through his words captivated me...so also did his subtle and yet no i dont want u gestures..he appealed to my emotions, and brains along with the woman in me....the only problem here seemed that he was self proclaimed sex addict. and my libido is the zero kind..so there seemed no point in pushing it futher, and i should have beaten a hasty retreat.

but i couldnt...i just couldnt..i kept peeping into his profile, i kept reading his words, reading the meaning in his words, the possible meanings behind his words....and kept falling deeper. till i could hold on no more..i proclaimed my crush in public...why did i do that? cause thats the only way i knew to shame myself into getting over the silly crush. and again, if he did respond i was a winner....it was a win win situation, wasnt it?

and i did win...he did take notice..suddenly we were talking 19 to dozen..night and day...... on all subjects under the sun.. soaking into each others words.. holding on to them for pleasure...that words can give somebody so much pleasure...u know it does, and yet when it does, it hits u again. the power of words..the sheer potency of words.

it could have gone on and on, but the first sign of trouble began, when he disapppeared from the net for ten days...no explanations, no information, nothing...by the 9th day, the cold turkey was almost killing me..but he ws back on the 10th day...he did not give any explanations..i didnt ask any....i didnt want to lose the contact again... and there was no agreements that we wud be talking every day...soon the old pattern returned....for a few months..until he kinda got greedy...at least thats wat i felt. he of course felt differently. he wanted me to show him proof of my intense liking for him, the liking that i claimed to have for him...i was clear that i wasnt going to send any nude pics accross not go on the web cam to pander to his sexual needs. it seemed to turn out to be a stalemate... after a few threatening imploring, he pretended that it did not matter at all...or maybe it really didnt..with him i just dont know.

later when he was coming over to my home town, i was elated. i wanted to meet. he didn't. i kinda begged and begged. he finally relented. and so we met.

to say i was disappointed was an understatement..i had sort of expected a taller, larger, less nerdy kind of guy..this guy was just a 22 year old. just like he had said he was of course,.but his talks had given him the maturity of a 40 year old, and that seemed missing... he did not talk at all, i tried lightening the atmosphere, but it wasn't working...i saw my crush crashing down...it wasnt working ....something wasn't right at all. by the time,two hours got over, and it was time to leave i was releived. and i remember thinking that this is the last time im taking the trouble of meeting people from the virtual world. it doesnt gel.

later back on the keyboard, we tried to find out what went wrong. both of us were aware that something was not right..

perversion

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sibling rivalry

accidentally caught a hindi movie on the tele on tuesday...

the scene was raghuvir yadav, guzzling tons of alcohol, and botching up his lines in a play, losing his job, going home dead drunk, in the dead of the night, begging for a drink, then singing for it, while his kids secretly watched their professionally genius father sliding down life as an unloved shunned by all diehard alcoholic.

The next scene cut to shabana azmi ending that particular flashback to P Sahni.which is when i realised that the movie was saaz, the not so commerically successful film, made on the legendary sibling rivalry of the mangeshkar sisters, lata and asha. shabana playing asha....

somehow, this was one thing i had always wondered.......why the superior talented lata felt insecure about asha, that she had tried to thwart her younger sister's singing career.. as numerous gossip magazines used to print....it never really made sense. Until i saw that scene. suddenly it clicked. the envy was not just professional. there were layers of personal pain hidden behind a seeming professional rivalry.

if u had a father, who on one hand inspired your awe for his immense almost genius talent, (which he generously bestowed on all his children), and yet who shirked his fatherly responsibilities on to his 12 year old (maybe more, maybe less) eldest daughter, and who bravely, naturally, without a sense of favour, completely took up the responsibility, of nuturing the younger siblings by using her raw unpolished singing talents to fulfil the basic needs of food and shelter, whilst having had to fight numerous battles in the professional field, having to manupulate to get just grab a simple job of a chorus singer in the cutthroat hindi film industry, even though u know that u are better than most of the other leading singers of your time, the need for finding a godfather to get that all important first solo break, having to even perhaps sleep around ...and after having got the all important break, learn to manupulate the system so well, that you manage to push all ther other reigning singing queens to the background, and create a niche for yourself.. how can anybody in her shoes not resent it?

how wud she not resent being expected to sponser her younger sister's career? im sure she wud have resented as hell, if asha expected lata to help kickstart her own career based on her hard earned goodwill. she wud have resented having to give a career, to her younger sister, on a platter, since she herself never got anything other than the hard way...from the basic love that every child got by default from their parents, to the roof on the head, to the food on the table..when everything was a daily tiring struggle for the teenager, and who perhaps didnt not understand or appreciate the amount of struggles and compromises that she had put in, to set the ball to financial security and fame rolling...



i should know. ive been there. all that lengthy discussions suddenly opened my own eyes to the truth that i had buried deep inside me, pushed so far away taht i never had to come to terms with it.

i was discussing this with a friend yesterday..he seemed to think, that lata wudnt have wanted to stop her sister from singing cause of the reasons i state, it would more because she wud have wanted to protect her sister from the dark world taht the hindi film industry or any film industry for that matter was made of.

turmoil

the mind is once again in a turmoil..

almost a whole month of sitting eight hours straight without out anybody peers or bosses to talk with or even just stare at, is finally taking its toll..i feel so tired, that just want to take some leave, sit at home undisturbed, without any official worries...i almost feel like crying my self sick with the lingering feeling...maybe blogging mite help.

what are the issues? weighing me down?...

here ive been doing four people's job, for almost 25 days, since three of them are on leave, and that too, in a rather new situation, and and all the while i was proud of having handled the section all alone, and yet when i checked the old files, i see a few old 'inexperienced but careless' mistakes, and im filled with a sudden fear...did i not manage well enough? is everybody concerned going to over look tht i handled three tables at a later date and just concentrate on teh 'silly' mistakes?..are they going to whisper behind my back."we gave her a month, and look how much she has regressed the section?". is appreciation so important to humans? or at least the decency of lack of blame? why cant i feel good, that i handled the section well enough, instead of feeling poorly about the mistakes i seem to have made along the way.

yesterday the peon commented,"good for u, ur collague is comming on monday". and she has so much pending work...and I almost wanted to kill him,"what pending work?" i demanded, in a tone which was menancing, while striving to be nonchalant. later, i had to laugh, thinking of it..the sheer agression. is appreciation from a person lower in rank important too? im far far away from detachment, i had earlier thought, that i was finally detached, as far as my work was concerned. a huge fight with an immediate boss, changed it permanently for me. i no longer loved my work to distraction. i was able to bring about the distance between teh work i did, and my sense of achievement, which at that time sure felt like detachment.

but now i suddenly realise, im not detached..at least not about what juniors think about me....i still care for their opinions, as im aware that they are not even really competent to make a fair assessment...

desire and fear

how can anybody be sick with fear and desire at the same time? a very very uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. just seeing the latest picture of forbidden loved one, posting on a website, how come just growing one's hair, makes one a bigger handsome hunk than he originally were? it never works for me..(sulks)..... and u are sick with desire...that the object of the desire is far far away, not at all in ur control adds to the fear. what do i feel? a dense cloud over the forehead, a chest filled with something so heavy that one can hardly breathe, the body hot with fever, a wet mouth, or is it a dry mouth?..... then there is this fear of sharing it with the object, since it can misunderstood, and worse, can take u for granted, and sharing the terrible terrible feeling with any other living being.... impossible cause of the nature of the desire....why is life so twisted?