face to face with a truth

today again, came face to face with a truth, that keeps coming back with clarity, whenever the topic is brought in the open...though its forgotten yet again after some time.

that nobody can give what he never got, and if a person never felt loved his life, chances of him being able to make anybody else feel loved is zero too..who is more unfortunate, cant guess..the tht makes me cry for myself, and for dad too...taht he never got love makes me cry for him, and that he cudnt give it to us, makes me cry for me...and im painfully aware that neither of us are able to raise above our needs....

closed doors

had to admit to myself that it was me who closed the door, and not viceversa

filled with profound sadness, at a likeness, thinking of the inherent losses

other court

the ball is finally in the other court me thinks...and now whether the game continues, depends on the other player

lonely

feeling a bit lonely now..the feeling has just started. a minute ago...not yet a pained lonliness..rite now its comfortable...maybe a little more of this solitude the dis content mite start...enjoying it while it lasts...the joys of solitude that is

hurt ego

ego hurting badly,eyes welling up too, a nagging pain just below the heart where the ribs cage ends...feel alone, whereas the world is happy with in their worlds.....and that somehow selfishly hurts more...in fact that is what hurts i think...that the world is not alone, not lonely, world is reveling in its joys, and here im alone with none to share my pain with.cant push off the feeling of being neglected

no idea how long its going to last....have to grin and bear it...just like the flu! well, experiences show that there is always victory at the end of every pain...the longer the tunnel, the bigger the gain.....so that thot helps in holding on till the end of the tunnel...

what hurts, is having to admit to self, that almost all could be a pack of lies, and it hurts the ego, to have been taken in, by packs of lies! if the cards were placed on teh table, perhaps it wudnt have hurt, or perhaps the hurts wud be different...what hurts now is being treated as a second class citizen, being kept on hold, like an old shoe that will be worn only if the new one pinches...(not my dialogue...a dialogue from an old Bollywood number :P) ..being reduced to a thing, an non living object. object without feelings...not being treated as an individual, who mite want to be treated as intelligent an individual.

winds of change

surprising, how things change....there was times we spoke everyday, for long long hours...and now even if i see the green light, i think and then not ping, cause i feel u mite be busy and not want to talk....or worse, talk only because i want to talk...

well, that is life i suppose

losing

i hate to lose except to somebody who is better than me....

.so suppose my partner finds a new person, will i be okay if he or she is a better person? i remember nancy friday say( in her book jealousy) that its envy of the other woman, that makes u idolise her and give up the battle even without trying to win it?

but isnt it just an admission that the other person IS better than u?

screw u nancy friday!

loss

i look at the pictures, and feel a sense of loss..doesnt leave me...the feeling of a loss tht will always be a loss.

random conversations

i met a friend. after 28 years. and then a month later...

she has invited me to some lecture on organic farming..i am in a hurry actually, i have a bus to catch an hour later...but i wish to make it just so that i don't go back on my word...

we meet, i tell her that im coming from the beauty parlor, and have a bus to catch in an hour, when she tells me that the guy who was supposed to give the lecture has taken ill, and will not be coming...no issues, i tell her..i need to go too...i came just to catch up with u...maybe catch up with organic farming later.

we talk, discuss many things...her marriage, her job, my beauty parlor, her beauty parlor..of how we spend lots of time each week in the parlor,how its relaxing....in fact, she tells me, her husband always calls the beauty parlor as her mom's house...since she seems to be spending too much time there.

she suddenly asks me to join a yoga class...will do u wonders she tells me..ive already joined one long ago, i tell her...and after diligent practice for more than two months, i find that i lose interest.. don't want to try it again.

she insists, dont worry..this class is different..u will love it...and even if u lose interest, at least the two months that u put it wud give u some use...and she added as a parting shot....u wont have to spend that much in a beauty parlor...u can save on those costs, i assure u.

this is where she lost me...hipocracy always puts me off....ah, hell, then why do u frequent a beauty parlor after all that yoga..i want to ask.

i don't ask though.. don't want to spoil things after 28 years.

i just smile and walk away!

surprisingly, i stil l feel teh same today too..not sure whether i did the right thing..

did an intersting thing today....blocked a guy on gtalk...just for the reason that he did not respond to my pings more than twice.

and i have mixed feelings about this...on the one side i feel glad, that i gave him his just deserts, and on the other hand, a doubt, that maybe he wasnt avoiding me, and i was being hasty in my judgement.

well, i doubt it will even matter by tomorrow morning

raat gayi, baat gayi!

what on earth is wrong with me?

from morning, ive been looking up the chat window to see if any people are around, when they are around, whether they are intersting enough, and when they are intersting enuf, whether they wud rebuff me by saying they were busy..

and i end up chatting up nobody!