what most of us want most of the times.

 is to be kept in the loop..

at least tahts what i am most upset about in this case.
.wantonly being kept out of the loop, and all the lies it is entailing  them to keep me out of the loop.
.whenever i encounter the lack of truth  from them, cause of this need, it hurts more.


another interesting thing i realized. i think our idealization of the military forces as a noble profession makes us idealise the individual in the organisation too. it makes us give them a halo which may or may not exist..keep them on the slightly superior plane deservedly or not..i was subconsciously doing this. now that ive realised it, its gone..

but i still find myself  looking for SM's approval..couldnt get why..since i no longer was looking for approval of the other women. later it stuck me, cause she was the closest to SB. somehow i was hoping she wud be the connecting line with SB, and if i had her approval, the chances of the connection was better.

which means im still in awe of SB..ok, need to work on both these things...

thts it for now.

bye

shut doors

last nite when i wrote whatever it is i wrote, i decided to go to sleep. sleep evades me. that not unusual, when im disturbed. Somehow it is my dad's image that keeps coming to me, which is strange, because dad has nothing to do with what ever it is that is disturbing me.

it took me some time to see the connection.

flash back to age four.
before the younger sibling was born.
when i was the spoilt little princess of the family.
the brightest star of a shinning horizon.
when the world was my oyster.

and then the fall to the earth bang.
 i dont remember the actual fall.
 i must have blocked it
.but i do remember the 'before' and 'after'.
 The before where i was the queen, and the after where i was one of the subjects, jealously anxiously watching the new queen lord it over with dad.waiting to see if i wud be restored to former glory. the pain of waiting i m guessing, cause i now am paranoid if ive to wait..that must be the reason for a lack of patience in me, i think .

did i shut the door or did he?
 i just dont know.
...all i know is taht at four, he shud have opened the doors,
he didnt....
and somewhere along the way, i got it fixed in my head that shut doors dont open. ever
 ive got it in my system, that i wont open it, come what may,
 it has to open from the other side.
and im not sure the other side knows that im expecting them to open it. or even if they know, do they want to oblidge me and open it?
im stuck in this funny time frame, where i can just wait for the shut doors to open again, or i can leave the door and seek new doors.

but how many doors can i keep finding? how do i get out of this trap? ive no answers...

PS..does salmal rushdie feel the same? did M F Hussain feel the same?

blank mind

new doubts arise today.

I had proclaimed loud and clear to the others, that they were my friends.

im still smarting at the gnawing question.. why is that they did not stand up for me?

HN was the only one who pointed out that he was not comfortable being with a group that had chucked me out., since i was the one who had introduced him there.

CD had made a caustic remark, that that was the last time he was interfering in any fights, or advising anybody.(read me) .... regarding my fight with the gang.....was that his reasoning/excuse for not standing up for me? is it enough?

RK had already cut me from his life much much before the fight.,.so does that give him a clear conscience? should it give him a clear conscience?

VDM the reason for the whole fiasco...what was his justification?

the more i try to see things from their side, all the more,  i am forced to admit, is that while i claimed that they were my friends, the truth seems to be that,  in their eyes i was just a pretty acquaintance..somebody they would love to associate with, as long as she was easy going and no hassles..if she got too big for boots, too bad..sorry but we don't want to have anything to do with u dear!.

suddenly,  i get a feeling, that, the people to whom i claimed that these were my good friends must be laughing at me...or at least they shud, if they are smart enuf (which i doubt btw) to see what i am seeing...unless they never believed my claims of friendships in the first place.. thats another possibility entering my mind as i type this out.


another thot entering the mind..if their friendships with me were so fragile, wont it be the same with the others?..wont they be in the same boat tommorrow,  that im in today? does that make me happy?  it makes me feel vindicated no doubt! happy, no, bah, im not even interested.


on the other hand, i am not able to stop thinking, taht perhaps they are smarter than me.
they already know how the land lays,
they know how the game is played.
perhaps i was the only amateur amongst professionals  all along.....the only one who never knew the rules or the game we were playing.

i really dont know if its my overworked mind thats making me think these things.
or is it the deep subconscious rearing its ugly face again?

what am i really worried about? losing face, or losing friends?

im worried about losing face..
that is for sure..b
but there is no denying , that there is the fear of losing friends too..
do they feel the same way i feel? i very much doubt it.

im left with very uncomfotable questions, and then some very uncomfortable answers?.

right now i dont want to face the questions, or the answers...

i want a blank mind..

the other side

today, for the first time in my life, i was on the other side...

of drinking.

i have drunk maybe four to five times my entire life, but today was the first time, i went beyond my so called capacity.

i drank three and half pegs of rum..the last half apparently didnt agree with me at all. and soon i was puking..i was lady enough to reach(read that as trotter) the washroom, and into the western style commode, to put my face to the clean hygenic commode and wait for it to all come spluttering out.

as i squatted on the floor, with my face to the commode, i realized a few interesting things.

one, that the commode is clean.,

second,i dont even care if its clean, right now its my best friend

third, i realize why countless Hollywood movies show the guys throwing up in commodes, and not in the washbasins... its a well built walk of shame too..the walk to puke. words like not able to carry ur drink gives a new emotional meaning to what was hither to just words.

i also realize how dev D was able to keep putting his head into a commode without any shame.. wasn't i there i was doing the same thing!

i remember the canteen guy who comes drunk right from teh morning, and the disdain with which i treat him when he smells more than usual...i can suddenly see his side? whats her problem..im doing nothing at all to hurt her...which is what i felt, when i felt the waiters judging me trottering back to the table after my puke.

PS..for good measure, i also puked into an empty glass on the table...well, my companion didnt think it was cool at all!

.i simply care two hoots about propriety and its niceties..cause like i said im on the other side today...!

mind

today is again one of those days, when the mind is not able to console itself...it wants to be aggressive and play victim, and then become reasonable, and then spoilt, all within seconds of each other...the ever vacillating mind...that is how the mind is today.. they eyes are heavy with un shed tears, the mind is burdened with ungratefulness, the heart simply cannot let go, and is filled with vague unhappiness. which if tried to be confronted. laughs at the heart..and then when i think im free, the mind climbs on the same roller coaster again..

maybe watching some hindi film songs will help numbing it ..hopefully

roles

just when i thot that nothing cud upset me again, it just did...that single phone call.. why did it upet me? cause it was a reminder to rethink roles again.that the old roles were dead, and that if things had to go on, new roles had to be played.

i am not sure whether i want to play any role any longer...no, in fact im sure i want to play a new role, and its the teething problems i guess that is upsetting me

face to face with a truth

today again, came face to face with a truth, that keeps coming back with clarity, whenever the topic is brought in the open...though its forgotten yet again after some time.

that nobody can give what he never got, and if a person never felt loved his life, chances of him being able to make anybody else feel loved is zero too..who is more unfortunate, cant guess..the tht makes me cry for myself, and for dad too...taht he never got love makes me cry for him, and that he cudnt give it to us, makes me cry for me...and im painfully aware that neither of us are able to raise above our needs....