turmoil

the mind is once again in a turmoil..

almost a whole month of sitting eight hours straight without out anybody peers or bosses to talk with or even just stare at, is finally taking its toll..i feel so tired, that just want to take some leave, sit at home undisturbed, without any official worries...i almost feel like crying my self sick with the lingering feeling...maybe blogging mite help.

what are the issues? weighing me down?...

here ive been doing four people's job, for almost 25 days, since three of them are on leave, and that too, in a rather new situation, and and all the while i was proud of having handled the section all alone, and yet when i checked the old files, i see a few old 'inexperienced but careless' mistakes, and im filled with a sudden fear...did i not manage well enough? is everybody concerned going to over look tht i handled three tables at a later date and just concentrate on teh 'silly' mistakes?..are they going to whisper behind my back."we gave her a month, and look how much she has regressed the section?". is appreciation so important to humans? or at least the decency of lack of blame? why cant i feel good, that i handled the section well enough, instead of feeling poorly about the mistakes i seem to have made along the way.

yesterday the peon commented,"good for u, ur collague is comming on monday". and she has so much pending work...and I almost wanted to kill him,"what pending work?" i demanded, in a tone which was menancing, while striving to be nonchalant. later, i had to laugh, thinking of it..the sheer agression. is appreciation from a person lower in rank important too? im far far away from detachment, i had earlier thought, that i was finally detached, as far as my work was concerned. a huge fight with an immediate boss, changed it permanently for me. i no longer loved my work to distraction. i was able to bring about the distance between teh work i did, and my sense of achievement, which at that time sure felt like detachment.

but now i suddenly realise, im not detached..at least not about what juniors think about me....i still care for their opinions, as im aware that they are not even really competent to make a fair assessment...